broken dreams club.

I want to preface this entry by saying that I have abandoned writing lately in pursuit of a more visual career, but I felt the sudden urge to reach out. I’m not by nature a person who constantly needs her voice to be heard in a room full of  people, but i’m pulling out my milkcrate, and shouting out to as many people who will listen to me.

This year has been what seems like a tumultuous time for not just myself, but for a good portion of the people I surround myself with. The themes of death and broken hearts have been orbiting around me for what seems like a good six months. Thanks 2011, you’re really killing it right now.

I have found myself around girlfriends who have experienced heartache lately, some which devolved into shatteringly low moments. I will admit I was there with them not too long ago. This isn’t just your typical i’m-gonna-eat-the-shit-outta-this-cherry-garcia, or a bottle of wine in bed with meg ryan and tom hanks, breakup cure… I wish it was. What happened to the early 90’s version of coping with loss? As we age into the next generation of technology and vulgarity, are we being equally hard on ourselves?

A few months ago, I found myself at the rock-bottom of heartbreak. I said things about myself I would never even dream of telling my worst enemy. I treated my body like crap, drank anything in my path, and blamed it all on my ‘circumstance.’ How fucking terrible is this mentality? We go through hell and back again, and then decide to punish ourselves more because, hey, we’re already swimming in shit, so we may as well open up and drown in it.

Luckily, led by the good words of others, and an incredible team of women that surround me at work and at home, I shortly found myself standing back up again stronger and happier than I’ve ever been in my entire life.

This is not the case for many girls out there, and unfortunately I feel like I have to start saying something about it.

I can’t whip my head around these days without bumping into a girl who’s being treated like shit by a guy. I’m sorry, I know not all men out there aren’t complete savages, but I have little evidence to prove otherwise. Whether it’s cheating, hurtful words, or just plain selfishness, it seems like it doesn’t matter anymore if you’re 27 years old, the new trend is to evoke your inner 10 year old. We all know about our 30-second attention spans, and now it’s bleeding into the human heart.

The worst part about all of this is that the girl usually puts up with all of this. It’s all too common. And I’m not singling anyone out here, this is a worldwide phenomenon. You see it in movies, you hear about it in your families, you talk about it with your friends.

I have many talented friends. I am lucky to be surrounded by such driven, incredibly talented people, both women and men, girls and boys. I sometimes stand back in awe of how beautiful and amazing my girlfriends are. It’s remarkable how so many ‘fish in the sea’ there really are. Which is why I cannot, and will not accept the defeatist mentality of ‘my life is over without this person in it anymore.’

Fate, destiny, believe in what you need to, but life changes every day. We can’t control anything except with what we touch with our own two hands, and the words that escape our lips. Make it count. You only feel what you allow yourself to feel. You can only heal when you tell yourself you want to be healed. There are no outside forces making your life miserable unless your country is on the brink of war, and the love of your life is being ripped from your arms.

It’s always hard to stand outside yourself and take a serious look into the ‘blind love’ you’re in, but it’s oh-so-fucking-important. I can’t stress that enough. It’s the one piece of advice that I’ve given on at least 10 separate occasions in the past year. Strip down the moments when he bought your flowers, when he made you dinner, the way he held you bed. Face the moments where he hurt your feelings, when he went out with his friends without calling you, the way he looks at other girls. Whatever it may be. Stand outside yourself, and look. Are you a better person when you’re together? Do you bring out the absolute-fucking-best in eachother?

Girls, time to man-up, and start acting like the amazing, and strong babes I know you all are. Start demanding to be treated how you want to be treated, but above all other things, remember to be gentle on yourself and start taking in all this laughter, love and life around us.

You won’t notice the real man of your dreams if you’re too busy wasting tears on the loser who hurt you.

And you won’t feel any stronger until you face the world on your own.

 

With you,

Bold as love,

Courtney.

 

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